


What If

by LIGHTSJOON



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Cheating, Confessions, Drunken Confessions, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Heartwrenching, I swear it seems sad but it gets better, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, One Night Stands, Reunions, Reunited and It Feels So Good, but its complicated, jeonghan just wants joshua, jeonghan just wants to be loved, joshua just wants jeonghan, someone please love this precious man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:07:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23292193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LIGHTSJOON/pseuds/LIGHTSJOON
Summary: "It was hard without you. I was scared. I was so scared of being alone. So I spent my time foolishly. Didn't even know how time was passing."
Relationships: Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan
Comments: 4
Kudos: 39





	What If

**Author's Note:**

> This work contains the following trigger warning(s):
> 
> -Implications of Alcohol Abuse 
> 
> Thank you for reading.

“ _ What if I never get over you _ ?” 

Jeonghan’s thumb hovered dangerously over the fluorescent screen of his phone—over the send button. 

It’s been a little over a year since he’d shut the door on a teary-eyed Joshua. He almost couldn’t believe that so much time had passed, yet it was  _ him _ who was neck deep in the loneliness that had gradually filled the void that was Joshua’s presence. 

After what felt like hours, a subtle ache gnawed at his heartstrings. In the midst of his habitual downward spiral, it was the first real thing he’d felt in weeks. 

Jeonghan’s vision readjusted to the dim screen of his phone, and letter by letter, he watched as the question, one that had been eating away at him for a year, disappeared—as if it had ceased to exist in the first place. 

—

_ “Hannie!” _

_ Jeonghan had been swallowed by the mass number of people, who also had the bright idea to travel outside the comfort of their homes on New Years Eve, as he craned his neck each and every other way in search of Joshua’s voice. _

_ “Hannie!?” Joshua called out, voice piercing. Desperate. _

_ Surely, Joshua was panicking. He’d never been good with large crowds, especially if he was alone. However, the bulk of his hoarse voice was enough to let him know that he was close. _

_ The elder cleared his throat in frustration, pushing himself up onto the tip of his toes to scan the crowded street. He spotted the silk ashy hair at the same time he’d heard his voice. _

_ “Shua!” Jeonghan cried. He raised an arm to signal that he’d been seen, vigorously waving it back and forth, “Shua! Over here!” _

_ The younger’s head whipped towards his voice, he could even see him sigh in relief. Joshua struggled as he pushed and snaked through the thick crowd, filled with couples and large groups of friends alike. It wasn’t until Joshua wrapped his arms around his torso that Jeonghan was able to breathe easily. _

_ Jeonghan sighed, his cheek tightly pressed against Joshua’s, “I literally looked away for two seconds…” _

_ “I know, I’m sorry,” Joshua pulled back and laced his fingers through his own, “I just saw something at one of the booths, I thought you were right behind me.” _

_ Neither of them held an ounce of anger towards the other. If anything, they were mutually relieved that the other was safe.  _

_ “Just know that I will not be letting go of this hand for the rest of the night,” Jeonghan teased.  _

_ He knew that Joshua wouldn’t protest, and as if right on cue, Joshua grinned so wide that the corners of his eyes crinkled with bliss. Jeonghan was sure that he could stare at it for the rest of his life. The love behind it was infectious, he could feel his heart swell as the heat spread throughout his chest.  _

_ Jeonghan glanced down at his watch as Joshua guided him through the maze of people that blocked them in on each side. It was five minutes to midnight, and everyone and their extended family were making their way to the edge of the river to watch the firework show. This is exactly why Jeonghan wanted to stay in and cuddle up on the couch while watching the countdown on the television, like most people with common sense did...and it’s what they had done for the last three years. However, he couldn’t resist Joshua’s glassy eyes when he proposed the idea of going out for once on New Years.  _

_ Joshua suddenly came to a halt when they cleared the wave of people. There were many people littered across the length of grass that lined the river’s edge, but that hadn’t kept Joshua from finding a patch of grass empty enough for them to sit on. Joshua patted the soft greenery between his legs, it took almost everything in Jeonghan to keep from sarcastically rolling his eyes.  _

_ He sighed happily, his breath fogging the cold winter air around him, as he lowered himself down onto the grass between Shua’s slightly bent legs.  _

_ Jeonghan was vaguely aware of the people beginning to count down from sixty, marking the minute they had left of the remaining year.  _

_ His back felt warm against Shua’s chest. He closed his eyes at the same time a pair of arms wrapped around him from behind. Shua’s face was pressed into his neck as the people around them continued to count down.  _

_ Jeonghan turned his head and placed a long kiss on the younger’s temple. _

_ “Fifteen, fourteen, thirteen…” _

_ Their eyes met at the same level, and Jeonghan could have sworn his heart skipped a beat as he gazed into his lover’s lantern lit eyes. _

_ “Twelve, eleven, ten…” _

_ The remainder of the countdown faded into nothing but white noise. They were nothing more than two people wholly engulfed in one another, mesmerized by the other’s respective beauty.  _

_ Joshua cupped the side of his face, but it was Jeonghan who dove. Neither of them had to say a single word to convey how they’d felt towards one another for nearly four years. It was the force of their kiss that knotted Jeonghan’s stomach in such a way that made it seem like there were a million butterflies trapped inside. It was the heat from their bodies as they pressed up against one another that eased Shua’s residual anxiety.  _

_ Their lips moved in a complex synchronicity. Joshua dragged his hand down to cup the back of Jeonghan’s neck and pulled him impossibly closer. The elder wrapped his arms around him to level himself, while matching the growing intensity.  _

_ Jeonghan was sure they were seconds from swallowing one another, and he didn’t care who was there to witness it. All that seemed to matter was that he was there with the one person he loved more than his very own life.  _

_ The kiss slowed until their foreheads were pressed together, eyes gazing at one another with one part love, one part lust as the fireworks danced in the sky just beyond them. _

_ “I love you, Yoon Jeonghan.”  _

_ Joshua’s voice was soft, but hoarse, as he used his thumb to stroke the exposed skin of the back of Jeonghan’s neck.  _

_ Jeonghan studied Shua’s dazzling features. All of his emotions hit him at once as hot tears teetered on the edge of his lash line, “There are no words, Joshua Hong.” _

_ And that was enough. Joshua would be able to gather everything he needed to know and more.  _

_ Jeonghan placed a soft kiss at the edge of Shua’s lips, and he wished he’d never pulled away.  _

_ “ _ Joshua _?” _

_ They both turned towards the familiar voice just behind them, and Jeonghan was nearly shocked to see Hansol standing at the edge of his group of friends, which happened to consist of various people they also happened to know.  _

_ But it was the look on Hansol’s face that told Jeonghan too much.  _

_ Suddenly, Jeonghan felt cold, as if ice were running through his veins. He couldn’t help but notice the drastic temperature change in Shua, as well.  _

_ “H-Hansol, what are you—” _

_ Time seemed to move too slow and too fast all at once. One minute Joshua was beside Jeonghan on the grass, and half a second later he was watching Joshua fly across the grass after Hansol. _

_ A wave of confusion and rising anger engulfed Jeonghan as Soonyoung tore himself from the group and crouched down next to him. _

_ “Han…” he placed a hand on his shoulder, “Are you okay?” _

_ There was nothing but silence. Soonyoung should have taken that as his answer.  _

—

Jeonghan gazed out into the darkness that was the Han river.

It was well past midnight in the height of winter. It had been a snowless day, but the winter wind was brutal, and it was just enough to remind Jeonghan that he was alive. 

Months ago, not too long after Joshua came to pick up his things, he’d promised Soonyoung and Seungcheol that he wouldn’t touch another bottle of alcohol for as long as he lived. It was a promise that was short lived. 

He had only just hit the bottom of soju number three when he had nearly sent Joshua that text message, but Jeonghan refused to let him see just how completely and utterly broken he was without him.

His phone buzzed between his fingers, and for whatever reason found himself feeling disappointed when Seungcheol’s name appeared there. He rolled his eyes, took a deep breath, and contemplated answering before actually doing so. 

“What.”

“ _ Where are you _ ?” 

“Don’t call me anymore.”

“Jeonghan—”

Jeonghan took one last swig of soju before throwing his phone into the river. 

“Just leave me alone…”

It had been  _ months  _ since he’d last seen any of his friends. He opted for burying himself in his work and the alcohol he’d promised not to drink. Many of his (and Joshua’s) friends would reach out every few days like clockwork. As if they had been friends for a lifetime, which they almost had, but Jeonghan ceased to care about anything related to his social life. He poured all of his energy into reading and rereading documents that needed to be signed, drafting new proposals that would be sent to the CEO and its board of investors. Weeks went by and he couldn’t even remember when he’d last been home. Instead, he would send his assistant to and from to gather essential items like clothing and toiletries. When had he actually done that himself? And still their friends called and called and called, and Jeonghan was displeased. Despite how long they’d known each other, each of them suddenly felt like a stranger. 

He sighed deeply, gathered the empty soju bottles, and threw them in the recycling bin before heading down the familiar cement path. 

He’d never realized just how silent a winter night could be until he’d kicked Joshua out of the apartment. He didn’t think any place could be more quiet than that empty shell of a place he called home. Everywhere he went seemed to be eerily silent, as if that uncomfortable silence was stalking him everywhere he went. For a while, he thought it was just the lack of companionship, the lack of another’s presence, the unfamiliarity of being alone. But it took no more than a single moment, one where it seemed he was completely and utterly alone in the world, to prove that there was nothing or no one to blame other than his empty heart. 

To this day, he continued to reject any and all explanations of what supposedly happened that night a little over one year ago—and perhaps months, or years, prior to then. He didn’t want anyone’s pity, especially from those parties involved. 

However, it didn’t mean that he didn’t have an endless list of questions that continued to build with each passing day. 

Regardless of how many questions he seemed to ask himself, the answer appeared the same. Joshua had cheated. Whether it was once, twice, or a series of times, Jeonghan didn’t need Joshua to confess to his wrongdoings to know what had happened. The vivid mixture of disbelief and heartbreak on Hansol’s face, in addition to Joshua’s tear soaked skin when he appeared at his door very late (or maybe it was very early) that same morning, was enough for Jeonghan to come to such an obvious, yet perhaps hasty, conclusion. 

For whatever reason, he couldn’t bring himself to care whether Joshua may or may not have been regretful, but why would he when he ran after Hansol in the way he did?

He’d spent the last year agonizingly searching for all of that wasted love, with no apparent answer in sight, and somehow he managed to drag himself back to the very spot where he’d felt the happiest. Yet, he knew that whatever answers he’d been searching for, he wasn’t going to find them there. 

Time passed differently when he was under the influence. He glanced down at his watch, which read two-twenty in the morning. Two hours had passed before he realized he’d been walking the area in sweeping circles. 

It wasn’t until Jeonghan heard the frantic pounding of shoes against concrete that he slowed to a stop. He didn’t even have enough time to turn to face the other when he was suddenly engulfed in a pair of warm arms. 

“ _ Jeonghan _ , oh my god,  _ Hannie _ .” 

Jeonghan’s heart cracked at the sound of Joshua’s voice in his ears as his arms continued to pull him in tighter and tighter. He cursed and screamed at himself to keep his tears back and his face neutral. 

Joshua pulled away and examined every inch of him that he could see before completely breaking down. It was the first time Jeonghan had seen the younger  _ seriously  _ cry, and for a reason he was unsure of. All he knew was that his body was screaming to leave.

“Let me go—”

“ _ What the hell have you been doing _ ?”

“Joshua—”

“I got a call from Seungcheol saying you weren’t answering your phone. I called you nearly a hundred times, Jeonghan. What the  _ fuck _ —”

“ _Why does it even matter to you?!_ _Why are you even here?!_ ”

“ _ Because I love you!” _

The world went silent, save for the deep, heavy breathing that filled the gap between them. 

Jeonghan merely shook his head, perhaps in denial, perhaps in disbelief, his mind and heart torturously empty. 

Fresh tears skimmed Joshua's cheeks, his voice low, “I—I thought you…” he paused, appearing to swallow what he really wanted to say. “I thought I missed my last opportunity to explain what happened...I just need you to hear me out for five minutes and if you still want to walk away when all of this is said and done, then I’ll let you.”

The words hung in the air between them like a thick fog, but Jeonghan was too tired to protest. 

“I fucked up. I know it. Everyone knows it. I had an affair with Hansol. Granted, I was drunk, and I don’t remember much of it. I know that’s no excuse for what happened, but I swear it was only once. Hansol swore to me that it was only once. 

“I wish I could say that it wasn’t true and that it didn’t happen, but I can’t, because it did. I know I hurt you, Jeonghan. It’s plagued me for a year knowing what all of this has done to you. I could care less about what it’s done to me, what it’s still doing to me.” Joshua took a long breath, lips wobbling ever so slightly, “I look at you now and all I want to do is gather you in my arms and make all of that pain disappear, but I can’t, because I know I’m at the root of it. And  _ I’m sorry _ .” 

Joshua’s five minutes crumbled under the pressure of his tears and the sobs that filled the rigid, chilled winter air. Jeonghan seemed to choke on each and every sentence he wanted to get out in response. He didn’t know what to say, or how to react. Despite his brief but winded explanation of what supposedly happened, he still had a million questions that were left unanswered, so many aches and pains left unresolved. 

Jeonghan shuttered, “How can you still love me? After everything.”

Joshua’s beat red eyes flickered from the concrete to his, a single tear falling from his lashes, “I never once stopped loving you, Jeonghan.”

“Then  _ why _ ? Why did you do it?” Jeonghan knew a cord had been struck when his voice cracked and echoed into the night, “No matter how many times I turn it over in my head I can’t seem to understand it. I don’t care if you were drunk, Joshua...you had a choice. Your desires don’t change because you’re drunk. They’re enhanced…”

Joshua’s throat bobbed, his lip trembling, but he bit down to keep his emotions back. 

“There’s a reason why they call it liquid courage, Joshua.” 

They stood there for a long moment and just  _ looked _ at one another, and  _ really  _ looked. Joshua was still the most stunning person he’d ever laid eyes on; tears, flushed cheeks, and all. Although he was dressed in layers, there was no hiding the weight that Joshua had lost in the past year. Even now, he was wearing his favorite pair of jeans, which once hugged him like a glove, but now bunched up and hung loosely at the ankles. His face appeared to be much more hollow and sharp, and even though it was dark, he could see the purple bags that seemed permanently etched into the skin. He imagined that Joshua was most likely thinking the same thing about him. He’d at least had enough strength to hope that Joshua cared enough to notice the differences. 

Joshua sighed, blinking hard just once, “Did it ever cross your mind, even once, that it was affection I desired? And not Hansol?” 

And he had. But—

Joshua admitted, “Maybe it was because we were working too much, spending too much time at our offices, and on many occasions we wouldn’t even go home...we wouldn’t call one another and ask how we were doing, or if we’d eaten that day. The list is exhaustive. We would only reach out to one another when we had the energy to pick a fight.”

Jeonghan’s heart squeezed at the vague yet familiar memories, it was a time in their relationship he wished he could go back to and start over. They were  _ months _ deep into their rut when Jeonghan had received the call that Joshua was being taken to the hospital because he’d passed out from exhaustion. To this day, he could vividly describe in detail the way the world seemed to bend when his secretary broke the news to him, and once he was through the threshold of his office he refused to stop running until he was through those hospital doors. It was the wake up call he’d needed to snap out of his hypnotic work routine. He spent every moment of the following days catering to Joshua’s every need. He ran back and forth between the hospital and Joshua’s apartment to fetch clothes and anything else he might have desired. He snuck him coffee more times than he cared to admit to the nurses that ceaselessly rotated to check on his vitals. He didn’t care what he’d been asked (or not asked) to do, he did it without complaint. After Joshua had rested, they promised one another they would be more passionate in taking care of one another, both physically and mentally. And it was then that Jeonghan had asked Joshua to move in with him. 

“I was tired of feeling like I’d been abandoned by the person I love more than my own life,” Joshua continued, “I wanted you to want me. I wanted to feel loved in the same way that I love you. I do realize that we both contributed to the problem, and there were probably more things I could have done to salvage what had been lost...but I need you to understand that what happened wasn’t because I wanted Hansol.” 

Jeonghan stumbled forward slightly, he wasn’t sure if it was because he lost his balance or because his heart was pushing him in that direction, but he noticed Joshua hovering, watching him like a hawk, prepared to catch him if he were to fall. 

Jeonghan wanted to wish that this was nothing more than a terrible  _ terrible _ dream. That he would wake up and all of his woes would fade with the early morning rain. But he knew he was walking amidst a tragic nightmare, and there would be no waking up from it, not until he found it in his heart to forgive him. 

For the first time in a long time, Jeonghan let his tears flow in front of another person. Joshua seemed to freeze at the sight, unsure of what seemed to be the most appropriate way to go about comforting him. 

It was clear neither of them got the closure they needed. Jeonghan could see it in the weight that Joshua had lost, in the bags under his eyes, in the way his hair was overly disheveled. He could hear it in the desperation of his voice, in the silence of his cries. Every fiber of his being wanted to reach out and grab him, in the same manner Joshua did. He wanted to forgive and forget. He wanted everything to go back to normal. He was ready for this hell to disappear and for the warmth of spring to welcome him with open arms. Instead, he was given a war. 

It was close to three in the morning, and here he was, standing before him, wide awake. Jeonghan wondered just how much sleep Joshua sacrificed in order to be here. Was it just as much sleep he’d lost in the past year? 

A shaky breath passed through Joshua’s lips, his voice barely a whisper, as if a grave realization had hit him, “I’m scared, Jeonghan…”

Jeonghan blinked, eyebrows crinkling in confusion. 

“What if…”

As if he’d lost control over his own body, Jeonghan took a step closer. 

“What if I never find a love like ours again? This past year has been…there are no words to describe the pain of missing you. It was only one year and it felt like many. I don’t want to go around secretly asking our mutual friends how you’re doing. I don’t want to keep aimlessly walking around this giant city, desperately hoping that I’ll stumble into you just so I can see you one more time. I want to be able to do so many things knowing that you’re already there. I don’t want to wake up in ten, twenty,  _ thirty _ years without you—”

Jeonghan leaned into Joshua, resting his forehead against his shoulder. The latter’s breath caught in his chest at the sudden movement, and refused to breathe until Jeonghan took a deep breath for himself. 

“Shua…” He could feel Joshua’s muscles tighten at the mention of the nickname only he knew of. Almost instinctively, Jeonghan wrapped his fingers around the bend of Joshua’s elbow. “What if  _ I _ never get over  _ you _ ?”

They were both so very still. Everything around them seemed suddenly too quiet. 

“I spent all of this time thinking I wasted my love on someone who never loved me the same way I loved him...someone who saw our love as disposable. As the months continued to blur further together, I was thoroughly convinced I would never find the closure I’ve been seeking, that I would never be able to alleviate this gnawing heartache.” Jeonghan raised himself from Joshua’s chest until they were at eye level, “I’m terrified it’s going to last forever…”

They were both silently crying, but all the while assessing and analyzing each other’s words and feelings. 

“You didn’t waste your love, Jeonghan,” Joshua whispered, bringing up a hand to wipe away the tears on Jeonghan’s face. “I took that love for granted, and there aren’t words to tell you how sorry I am. I got comfortable, too comfortable, and it’s my fault I let things go as far as they did. I could have done so much to prevent just as much from happening.”

It was then that Jeonghan  _ really  _ saw the fatigue in Joshua’s face. His eyes were hollow, any and all color leached from his skin. He knew better than anyone that he wasn’t eating, and he was probably drinking too many bottles of wine. 

Jeonghan caved and wrapped his arms around him, squeezing him with all the strength he had left. He didn’t realize he was holding his breath until Joshua followed suit. 

“I love you, Jeonghan,” he whispered against his neck. “From today, onward, if you’ll let me, I’ll do whatever it takes to prove it to you.” 


End file.
